searemind's blog

At Least I'm Trying

It has been a rough year if I look at it from a third-person perspective. I don't really know how I feel about it inside though. Two attempts to end it all, innumerous crises and broken hearts are enough for a year to be called turbulent, but there was much more that happened to me, by my own actions. But now that I'm in a different place, surrounded by a different kind of an environment, I've decided to change things up.

I've always found social situations hard (or at least I think I do). I've always fought that feeling and tried my best, but even the best friendships I've had end up dissolving into nothingness in barely a few months or a year. So now, I've decided to embrace my own company and stop being a try-hard about making friends (or people to talk to). I've never had people to talk to when I need them but the opposite has almost always been true and I'm tired of trying at this point.

My new routine has me waking up early, sitting in a nearby garden, reading a novel/writing one of my short stories. Then I carry on with the rest of my agenda and in the evening, I walk. A lot. I get a drink and I walk and at the end of my tour around the whole area, I enjoy my drink.

The next big change I'm thinking of bringing about in my life is to stop trying to talk to people when I don't need to. It makes me anxious as is and if I stop trying to see people who approach me (which rarely happens) as potentially new friends or acquaintances, I'd spare me a lot of headache. When it comes to texting too, I've already stopped making any and all efforts to talk. I've done it enough and no one ever returns my enthusiasm.

Let's see how this goes (and how long it takes until I inevitably go mad, hopelessly fighting my fear of rejection)